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| Photo courtesy of: Infidelityhealing.com |
In keeping with the series, “Broken” I wanted to see infidelity from the eyes of someone who was unfaithful and faithful. I interviewed two men, one was married (faithful), the other was divorced (unfaithful). Some of the answers were surprising as well as shocking, but I wanted to see how their minds ticked. Remember, these are the thoughts of only a couple of men - all men do not share these beliefs.
The first interview is with an individual I will refer to (for the sake of this post) as Tristan, he is our divorcee.
Q: Why did you cheat?
A: Because the person I knew in the beginning changed. She wasn’t the same.
Q: How wasn’t she the same?
A: In the beginning we talked a lot on the phone, had great chemistry, and were anxious to see each other. But as time went by, we became complacent with each other. The person I enjoyed being around wasn’t the same and it was someone I found out later that I didn’t really like. And with time you become more involved, and the intimacy is still good, so “you’re ok with ok”.
Q: So, when you say, “You’re ok with ok” what do you mean?
A: When you get intimate with the person and it’s good (sex), you don’t care and compromise.
Q: Because of the good intimacy factor?
A: Yes.
Q: Well, if the intimacy was so good and you compromised, then why did you cheat?
A: Because you’re looking for that person she used to be in the beginning, that fun and exciting person.
Q: What if the next woman you found eventually becomes like your wife?
A: I’ll continue looking for the right shoe.
Q: Shoe?
A: You know how you have a pair of shoes that don’t quite fit? So you keep looking until you find the right fit. But you keep your shoes on because “feet with shoes is better than no shoes at all.”
Q: Have you ever found a pair of shoes that fit?
A: Yes, she was fun and exciting, and intimacy was on point and I realized I should’ve never settled and married the person who didn’t fit.
Q: Did she know you were married?
A: Yes. After getting to know her for quite some time, I knew I had better chemistry with her. But now the circumstances of being married with kids, a house, cars, etc.. makes it difficult to be with the one I really want. The woman I married, if she had been truly the woman I met and hadn’t changed but stayed the same person that was fun and exciting, I would’ve never stepped outside of the marriage.
A man is visual. He could see something that excites him and that’s a shoe he wants to try on. The only strength that a man can have to get through this brutal process of continuing to bounce from one
person to the next, whether it’s marriage or marriage with the other woman on the side or the others on the other side of that, the only way to get through that is to have strong faith in God and be the man He wants you to be. Until that man is a man of God, anything goes.
Tristan also expressed in his own words, "At the end of the day, a man has to be rooted and committed to what the kingdom of God is about on relationships. [One] man [One] woman, together as one. Sex with your spouse and no other."
This second interview is with an individual I will refer to (for the sake of this post) as Carter, married, and presents his view on infidelity.
Q: Have you been married before?
A: Yes, this is my third marriage. The first time I was young and after 7 years it was over. The second marriage was really for support; she had kids overseas she needed and wanted here.
Q: Were you faithful in all three relationships?
A: Yes.
Q: Never cheated?
A: No.
Q: Were you ever tempted?
A: Yes.
Q: How far did the temptation go?
A: A little touching but never further than that - something told me to stop. I broke it off after that and I’m glad. If I hadn’t stopped it would’ve went further into a relationship. Once you go beyond a certain point, you can’t go back. The guilt and condemnation would’ve been too much. The thought of sleeping with that person makes you susceptible to exposing your mate to all kinds of diseases. When you sleep with them you are sleeping with everyone they have slept with and I just couldn’t risk bringing that to my wife. You know women have intuition and they will find out.
Q: So is that what keeps you from being unfaithful?
A: I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and when you have feelings for someone other than your wife and your wife is trying to be close to you, it becomes an interference with your relationship.
Q: How long have you been married?
A: Fourteen years. Communication is the big key; no hiding. Believe me women know, they can pick things up. Women sense things. Men have track records.
Q: What do you mean by that?
A: If men lie, they will do it again and again. If they cheat they will continue to do it.
Q: What if they have Christ or a faith?
A: A percentage could change. And having a faith helps from my point of view.
Q: Do you have friends or family that cheated on his or her spouse?
A: Yes, a friend.
Q: Did he tell you why? Do you know why?
A: She (his wife) wasn’t supportive or considerate. She was a needy and selfish person. He felt like someone came along and gave him what he wanted. I feel like if men do not have what they need at home, they go looking for it. Men need sex (change it up & make it exciting). We also need space.
But men should be attentive to their wives as well. It’s a two way street. I make my wife feel special. I do little things for her like buy her cards for no reason and place them under her pillow. She leaves me little reminders too showing me she loves me. If you keep it like the first time you met them (keep up with your bodies, the way you used to talk with each other) will keep a strong bond. You have to keep whatever you did that first attracted them. Also, family values is one of the biggest things as well as making each other feel appreciated.
Q: What would you tell a woman/man to do to keep their spouse happy?
A: Communicate and don’t hide your feelings. And remember to always be open with each other.
Conclusively, we see that both men and women (humans) have a need to be acknowledged, we all have a need for continual affirmation, we need refreshing and reenergizing in all of our relationships and equally as important, we all need intimacy on some level.
Now, it's your turn. I'd like to read your comments and views on our two respondents and additionally would like to know your views on intimacy and infidelity.
Can't wait to hear from you!
L.G.
I think it's interesting how people still expect the same spark that started their relationship off to be the deciding factor of weather or not to stay in a relationship. Why can't people just grow from that point and appreciate and nuture the changes and growth we go through and build on that foundation? Instead people constantly try to get back the "spark" therefore, they will never be satisfied and never grow to appreciate and be attracted to their mates based on other things besides the physical. How can you ever be faithful if you don't ever grow out of this? Some people end up alone because their need can never be fulfilled by the lust for others but only in changing their perspective of others. That's my take.
ReplyDeleteThank You Lisa. I could not have said it better. You have to know that it's layers of hidden scars from past issues leading into their current.
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