THE
POWER OF FORGIVING.
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which
a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets
go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish
the offender well.
Almost everyone you know has been hurt by words or actions of
someone. It may have even been by a stranger that said offensive remarks to you,
maybe a co-worker who lied about you or spread malicious rumors and gossip
about you. Maybe it was your partner who had an affair, or a family member who
betrayed you. Or even someone you considered a friend who hurt you. These
wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, mistrust, bitterness or
even vengeance.
But if you don’t learn to forgive, you might be the one who
pays dearly for it. By forgiving you can have peace, hope, gratitude and joy.
Forgiveness helps you emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
When you forgive it helps you to move forward and focus on more
positive parts of your life.
Sometimes when you forgive you will even begin to have some
sort of compassion, or understanding for the one who hurt you. It doesn’t mean
they’re not responsible for the hurt, nor does it minimize or justify the wrong
done to you. We can forgive the person without excusing the act.
When you let go of grudges and bitterness it can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Higher self-esteem
It’s easy to hold a grudge when the one who hurt you is
someone you loved and trusted. Trust me when I say you might become angry, sad
or confused. You expect the offensive act to come from an enemy, stranger or
opponent, but when it’s from someone close to you it totally blindsides you.
When you are caught off guard, confusion may be one of the first emotions, then
anger, that they would do that, then sadness that it occurred. If you choose to
dwell on the hurtful situations, grudge filled with resentment, vengeance and
hostility can take root. And if you continue to think on the negativity, it will
overtake positive feelings and you might find yourself consumed with bitterness
and a sense of injustice done towards you.
When we choose to not forgive, (and I’ve experienced some of
these) expect some of the following to happen. You may:
- Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
- Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
- Become depressed or anxious
- Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
- Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others
To forgive means to commit to a process of changing. To begin
you might want to:
- Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
- Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
- Remember Colossians 3:13 forbearing one another, and forgiving one another. If any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
Forgiveness is not easy,
especially when the person who hurt you does not admit to wrong doing or
express sorrow for the act. If this is the case and you find that it bothers
you:
- Consider the situation from the other person's point of view.
- Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
- Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you.
- Write in a journal, pray — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
- Be aware that forgiveness is a process and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
I want to leave some Q&A’s
that I hope will help you in achieving your state of forgiveness.
Does forgiveness guarantee
reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved
someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation.
This isn't always the case, however.
Reconciliation might be
impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In
other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is
possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
What if I have to interact with
the person who hurt me but I don't want to?
If you haven't reached a state
of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you might prompt you to be tense
and stressful. To handle these situations:
- Remember that you can choose to attend or avoid specific functions and gatherings. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings.
- Respect yourself and do what seems best.
- Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You might find that the experience helps you to move forward with forgiveness.
What if the person I'm forgiving
doesn't change?
Getting another person to change
his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of
forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace,
happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the
power the other person continues to wield in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs
forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly
assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how those wrongs have
affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You're
human, and you'll make mistakes.
If you're truly sorry for
something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed.
Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for forgiveness —
without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can't
force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own
time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy
and respect.
One of the most memorable times
of forgiveness I experienced was when I was at work. There was a woman
co-worker who for whatever reason developed a strong dislike for me. I’ve never
given her any reason to have that attitude towards me but no matter how I tried
to be nice to her, she had made it up in her mind that at all costs, she had to
get rid of me. This woman made my life a living nightmare. She was going to my
boss with complaints ranging from me talking and laughing to who I was teamed
up to work with. When she wasn’t complaining about me laughing, she had a
problem with the way I came into work without a smile. She even made special trips
to Human Resources a couple times a week to complain about me. My bosses never
called me in and HR never told me about the complaints. Because she loved to
brag about what she was doing to me is how I found out. When she saw that
nothing was being done from management she then began nasty rumors and
slandering. It got to the point I wanted to quit. She was married to one of the
Engineers who worked with management so I felt that maybe she had influence and
could persuade them into believing her lies. My faith was truly tested. I didn’t
understand why this was happening to me and why God was allowing it. I wanted
to confront her and really put her in her place but God had other plans. He
told me to hold my peace and he would fight my battle. It was one of the
hardest things I had to do. This went on for a year and a half of not speaking
out, not reacting negatively. During one of the many times I was crying out to
the Lord about the injustice that was being done to me I heard in my spirit, “Pray
for her”. WHAT?!! That was the first thing honestly that came to me, and almost
every time I prayed I could hear that voice telling me, “Pray for her”. When I opened
the bible for my daily study, the words “But I say unto you, Love your enemies,
bless them that curse you, do good to them that hurt you, and pray for them
which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” Matthew 5:44. When I saw those
words I knew what I had to do. At first I tried to pray for her out of obedience,
but when I heard, “And mean it!” I knew I had to dig deeper. I kept praying for
her until I actually meant it. I started thinking maybe she was going through
something and that’s why she’s like that. I was still praying for her when the
news came that she was being moved to another area. She continued to spread
rumors of me but at least I didn’t have to be in close contact of her. I
noticed after a while that I hadn’t seen her and heard she was on a medical. I still
felt lead to pray for her, that her heart would change and whatever she was
going through that the Lord would help her. Before long I heard she had been
fired. I believe God gave her chances to change her heart and due to her own devices the traps and snares she had for me, she fell into.
Forgiveness is sometimes hard, but
living with hatred, bitterness and anger is harder. Forgive someone today.
Love and Peace. –L.G.
