Broken (Loss) Part 1



(Photo courtesy of Wallpaperswide.com)

So, I’m a fanatic when it comes to understanding word meanings (definitions). I will frequently and obsessively Google a word. Even though I think I have a pretty good idea what the word means, you would be surprised with some of their meanings...all of which bring me to today’s subject: Broken.

Webster’s dictionary defines it as: Separated into parts or pieces by being hit, damaged, etc. 2. Not kept or honored. 3. Not working properly.

I do not profess to be anything other than a woman, mother and friend who has experience from the classroom of life, admittedly, the course where I graduated with honors. I’m sure many others have taken and passed that class too as we are all still attending.

Over the course of the next few posts this discussion on brokenness will continually build while providing various examples of we as humans experience brokenness from personal life-changing events.

This first post will address brokenness from its definition: Separated into parts or pieces by being hit, damaged, i.e...a broken heart. Wikipedia offers this definition of broken: A common metaphor for the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, whether through death, divorce or separation.

Often it feels as if you or I are the only ones that have ever experienced the emotional trauma of having a broken heart. However, in actuality, most everyone has had some form of a broken heart whether through loss or traumatic hurt. Who hasn’t had a broken heart?

The pain and emotional toil is almost unbearable. When you are going through the first phase of it you feel as if you will never be the same again, and happiness occurred in a past life eons ago. And it doesn’t look as if happiness will ever  happen again. As with many individuals, emotional senses are raw and are on high alert. Any little thing is a trigger, igniting a rollercoaster of emotions that are being run without a conductor nor brakes.

Although we will be discussing this matter in a future post, I believe I first experienced brokenness while going through a divorce. I thought we would grow old together. I never imagined I would divorce.

The focus with this post is experiencing brokenness through death; a friend of mine told me that, “we are at our most human existence as we bury our dead” (Kimetta Coleman). When my mentor and greatly adored grandmother, who raised me as one of her own children, passed away, there was a void and emptiness so great it felt as if I had been snapped.

Photo courtesy of: Dodiej.com

It felt like something was wrong….missing. My mind could understand what happened - but my heart would not accept it. I kept expecting her to show up. Somehow this all had to be a big mistake. She couldn’t possibly be dead - she was just gone visiting  (at least that’s what my heart kept wishing). But in reality I knew she was not coming back, yet, that didn’t stop me from looking over at the chair she always sat in. When I walked pass her room, I couldn’t help but to glance in thinking I might see her again one last time. When the phone rang and I glanced at the screen, for one split second I would think maybe her picture will be there. My heart simply could not fathom the pain that completely shattered my life for a time.

And as time goes by the “void” fades. Albeit it never quite goes away, it does not sit on the front row of your life anymore. But there was something very important I had to do as well to get through the brokenness: I asked God to give me something else - something that would fill the void. Undeniably, He allowed my creative-self to take front and center in me. This experience with death and brokenness made me realize how short life really is and before leaving this world, I wanted to accomplish something...I wanted more life than what I had been living. I wanted the “abundant life” promised to me.

I cannot tell you when or how it all happened - I just know it happened. God put the pieces of my heart back together again. Then He gave me a “second wind” that has blown me into such a beautiful fulfilling direction. I’ll never forget my grandmother because it was her life that made me want to achieve more; reach for more. That was what I unexpectedly reached for….I reached for life.

Ever had a broken heart? I’d love for you to share your experience with me.

L.G.