SAYING GOODBYE...PT 2

Saying Goodbye-pt2

photo by static1.squarespace.com

 

A Time to Grieve

After the loss of a loved one the feeling of helplessness may seem to consume you. Speaking for myself, I felt emotionally drained and tired for weeks after a loss. I’ve lost 5 out of 8 immediate members of my family. In 1992 I lost my baby sister at the age of 24; seven years later in 1999 I lost my brother who was the baby of the boys and who was also 14 months older than me, died at the age of 34. Four months later my Grandfather who raised me as his own, had a major stroke and was given 72 hours to live. God blessed him to escape death by being paralyzed on one side of his body but he was confined to a wheelchair. His speech was impaired and some of the time he cannot think rationally or walk. Seven years later in 2006 my biological mother died at the age of 54, followed by my middle brother age 42 in 2010, whom I adored. Finally my beloved Grandmother who raised me from birth passed away in 2013. I won’t say it was easy accepting the reality of the absences of the ones I loved, but I had a source where I could get strength from and that was the Lord Jesus Christ. You will always have memories of them and certain songs, places, and movies can trigger those moments. It was especially hard when holidays came around because my Grandmother made sure we had big family get-togethers. Losing siblings is just as hard, because they are the ones you know you can trust and go to when you need a shoulder or ear, so when that is gone who do you go to? I’ve found that in some of the most distressing times of my life I’ve turned to the scriptures and the words came alive and comforted me. I felt as if He reached down and held me and assured me that everything is going to be alright, in spite of what it looks like. Everything is going to be alright. I would like to share one scripture in particular from the book of Ecclesiastes:

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

photo by buzzerg.com

2 A time to be born , and a time to die ; a time to plant , and a time to pluck up that which is planted ;

3 A time to kill , and a time to heal ; a time to break down , and a time to build up ;

4 A time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance ;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together ; a time to embrace , and a time to refrain from embracing ;

6 A time to get , and a time to lose ; a time to keep , and a time to cast away ;

7 A time to rend , and a time to sew ; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak ;

8 A time to love , and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice , and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink , and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth , it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

photo by fanpop.com

So there is a time and a season to grieve, but knowing also the time to heal and start to build which is what the Lord is leading me to do. I do not want to be so stuck in grieving that I miss the opportunity for happiness again. Yes, I will always miss them and a lot of times I feel alone but He told me to keep moving forward or my past will hinder me from being all that I can be. I encourage you today that when the season to heal comes, make the choice to move forward. Please share your thoughts in the comments below, I would love to hear from you, or leave a little encouragement for someone else that’s in a season of bereavement.  Thanks and God bless- L.G.

                                              

SAYING GOODBYE....PT 1

SAYING GOODBYE…

photo by universalflag.com

One of the most difficult things to do is to say goodbye. Whether it’s to the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, the process nevertheless is hard. When the only woman I called my mom (my grandmother) was passing away in hospice, they had given our family some pamphlets to read and one of them was explaining how a person behaves when they are dying. Now we knew she was sick but we didn’t think she was leaving anytime soon. But according to the booklet we had she had been showing the signs of dying a couple of months before she passed and we didn’t even know it. If I had known that I only had a short time left with her I would’ve taken off work and spent more time with her. To talk or travel….something. I felt robbed and I was really upset with myself that I didn’t realize and see the signs that she was leaving me. That saying is so true, that you need to appreciate the time you have with loved ones because you never know when the last time will be. It is agonizing to watch, and care for a loved one who is slipping away, you deal with setbacks and deterioration as well as periods of “seeming” remission. It wears us down and we find ourselves wishing at times for the process to just end. Grief involves confronting family issues that may have been dormant and unresolved for years. Issues that may reemerge as you are forced to interact and work together through the grief. And finally, it means moving forward as a stronger family, after the loved one passes. If we don’t learn to understand and work with each other in learning to cope with prolonged grief, we are vulnerable to serious psychological consequences, including depression, guilt and anxiety. This all can lead to physical illness. There are certain signs in the last few months, weeks, days and sometimes hours of life that show when someone is preparing to die. Recognizing what these are will help you to say those important goodbyes, and prepare you for what is to come.

 *They begin to withdraw from their surroundings; they are beginning the process of separating from the world and those in it. They may refuse visits from friends, neighbors, and maybe even family members. When they do accept visitors, they may be difficult to interact with or care for. They begin to contemplate their life and revisit old memories. ( my grandmother would come to tell me she dreamed of her siblings and her parents who have all passed on. She had a few dreams about them and at one point asked me if that meant she was dying? I told her no, of course not. And quite frequently she dreamed about falling off a cliff into black water, she asked me again if that meant she was dying. After her second dream  and I saw how disturbed she was I looked it up on the internet and under spiritual dreams, water and cliffs represented end of life, death. I never told her that. This happened a few months before she passed).

*They may experience reduced appetite and weight loss. As the body begins to slow down, it doesn’t need the energy from food that it once did, or the nourishment. The dying person may be sleeping more now and not engaging in activities they once enjoyed. The body does a wonderful thing during this time as altered body chemistry produces a mild sense of euphoria. They are neither hungry nor thirsty and are not suffering in any way by not eating. It is an expected part of the journey they have begun. (My grandmother did start sleeping a lot more. She used to be up when I left for work and would be up when I got home, but towards the end she was asleep when I left and seemed to be the same way when I got home. I would wake her up and ask her why was she sleeping so much and was she ok? I got worried but I figured she was getting older and maybe she just needed to rest. And although she would tell me what she craved to eat she would barely touch her plate, and I just blamed her sleeping so much to her not eating}.

*One to two weeks prior to death; this is the time during the journey that one begins to sleep most of the time. Disorientation is common and altered senses of perception can be expected. One may experience delusions, such as fearing hidden enemies or feeling invincible. The dying person may also experience hallucinations, sometimes seeing or speaking to people that aren’t there. Often times these are people that have already died. Some may see this as the veil being lifted between this life and the next. The person may pick at their sheets and clothing in agitation. Movements and actions may seem aimless and make no sense to others. They are moving further away from life on this earth. (Remember I told you my grandmother dreamt of her family, what I didn’t say was she was talking to them out loud and my niece overheard her. Later my grandma told me that her whole family was sitting at a big table where lots of food was and they were all smiling and telling her to come on. She said she thought it was so real).

*Physical Changes;

The body is having a more difficult time maintaining itself, look for some of these signs:

·        Body temperature lowers by a degree or more

·        The blood pressure lowers.

·        The pulse becomes irregular and may slow down or speed up.

·        There is increased perspiration.

·        Skin color changes as circulation becomes diminished. This is often more noticeable in the lips and nail beds they become pale and bluish.

·        Breathing changes occur, often becoming more rapid and labored. Congestion may also occur causing a rattling sound and cough.

·        Speaking decreases and eventually stops altogether.

The last few hours or minutes the person usually becomes unresponsive and may have their eyes open or semi-open but not seeing their surroundings. It it believed that the hearing is the last sense to go so it is recommended that you sit and talk with your loved ones during this time. Eventually, breathing will cease altogether and the heart stops. They have passed on.

I hope this helps those of you who are caring for loved ones and really this is a message for everyone. You are not promised tomorrow, and you never know when your loved ones walk out the door if you will ever see them again. What were the last words you spoke to them the last time you saw them? Did you give them a kiss or hug? Or will you have regrets if anything were to happen? You should’ve, wanted to, almost did, does not matter when they’re gone. Take time out to spend with your family and loved ones; don’t take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll be there. I would love to hear from you on this topic “Saying Goodbye” please leave a comment. –L.G.

CHANGE-passing to the next phase

photo by socialbusinessnews.com

CHANGE!

We all come to a point in our lives where we began to question our existence and the purpose of it. Many times I’ve heard people say; why was I born? Or why am I here? Or, “Is this all there is to my life?” I’ve even made the statement,” There’s gotta be more to life than this.” At times we even feel like something’s missing or wrong. A void that reminds us that we are not completed. We could have the family we always wanted, or enough money in the bank, or even a million friends but we can still feel lonely in a room full of people. We could be married and still feel single. We could even have a great paying job, but driving the same route and performing the same habitual rites is enough to send you over the edge!! It’s leading to …CHANGE!

: To become different

: To make (someone or something) different

: To become something else

photo by businessgross.com

Another description of change according to Merriam-Webster is:

To pass from one phase to another

So when I asked God to change my life, he really challenged me to see what he sees in me. I used to be a hermit who just worked and came home. As I got older I didn’t socialize as much and spent most of my free time with my family. My life was empty even though people were always around me. I could not believe this was how I was going to die! Work, go home, go to sleep, wake up and repeat it all over again. No! I will not die this way and when I cried out to God he heard me. I am an author of 3 published books, and I am currently working on 2 more. I started a clothing company and currently am waiting on a second license for a  company. I never thought I could accomplish these feats and it never crossed my mind to do these things. My life has certainly picked up and I don’t have time to wallow in self-pity or foolishness. I thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for answering my prayers. I challenge you to seek a CHANGE if you are not happy with your life. I am truly passing from one phase to another, ARE YOU?

Tell me your story. –L.G.

photo by wanderingintherain.pressword.com

TellTale Signs of an Abusive Relationship pt.2 "Emotional Abuse"

photo by http://overcomingemotionalabuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Fotolia_37333143_M.jpg

Continuing our series of Abuse, we’ve seen the signs of Spousal Abuse or also known as Domestic Abuse where one person tries to dominate or control the other person.

Emotional Abuse is bigger than we think. Usually when people hear “abuse” they picture a battered woman. Not all relationships involve violence. Just because you are not physically hit doesn’t mean you are not being abused. Emotional Abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also is a form of emotional abuse. In addition , abusers of emotional or psychological abuse usually threaten physical violence or consequences if you don't do what they want. Don’t think that domestic abuse is worse than emotional abuse because one might send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of Emotional Abuse are very real and can scar you really deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as or sometimes worse than physical abuse.

Economic or Financial Abuse: a subtle form of emotional abuse.

In order to control you, abusers frequently use money to do so. Here are some of the ways he or she might use:

·        Controlling your finances

·        Withholding money or credit cards

·        Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)

·        Preventing you from working or choosing your own career

·        Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

·        Stealing from you or taking your money

Now let’s look at the ways or tactics an abuser uses to manipulate and show their power:

*Dominance –Abusive people need to be the boss of the relationship. They will make all the decisions for the whole family, including telling you what to do and expect you to obey without questioning. They may treat you like a child, servant or even as their possession.

*Humiliation –They will make you feel bad about yourself and leaving you with low self-esteem. If they can make you believe you are worthless and that no one else wants you, you are less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to tear down your self-esteem, leaving you powerless.

*Isolation –The abuser wants you to depend on them and only them, so in order to do this they cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You’ll find yourself asking permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

*Threats –Abusers usually use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. They may even use suicide, file false charges against you, or threaten to report you to child services.

*Intimidation –Your abuser may use different intimidation tactics designed to scare you into obeying them such as; threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is.... obey, or there will be hell to pay.

Denial and blame –Abusers are good at excusing the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims themselves. They will downplay the abuse or even deny that it happened.

Don’t be fooled! Abusers CAN control their behavior!             

Abusers can pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life. Usually they save it for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.

Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They can control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They act like everything is fine in public, but lash out the instant you’re alone.

Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they can stop immediately when it’s to their advantage to do so, like when the police show up or their boss calls.

Violent abusers usually place their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in mindless rage, many violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where bruises and marks won’t show.

There is a cycle that the abusers go through, I would like to share with you what I’ve found:

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

What are your thoughts on this subject? We would love to hear from you. –L.G.