SAYING GOODBYE…
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| photo by universalflag.com |
One of the most
difficult things to do is to say goodbye. Whether it’s to the death of a loved
one or the ending of a relationship, the process nevertheless is hard. When the
only woman I called my mom (my grandmother) was passing away in hospice, they
had given our family some pamphlets to read and one of them was explaining how
a person behaves when they are dying. Now we knew she was sick but we didn’t
think she was leaving anytime soon. But according to the booklet we had she had
been showing the signs of dying a couple of months before she passed and we didn’t
even know it. If I had known that I only had a short time left with her I would’ve
taken off work and spent more time with her. To talk or travel….something. I felt
robbed and I was really upset with myself that I didn’t realize and see the
signs that she was leaving me. That saying is so true, that you need to appreciate
the time you have with loved ones because you never know when the last time will
be. It is agonizing to watch, and care for a loved one who is slipping away, you
deal with setbacks and deterioration as well as periods of “seeming” remission.
It wears us down and we find ourselves wishing at times for the process to just
end. Grief involves confronting family issues that may have been dormant and
unresolved for years. Issues that may reemerge as you are forced to interact
and work together through the grief. And finally, it means moving forward as a
stronger family, after the loved one passes. If we don’t learn to understand
and work with each other in learning to cope with prolonged grief, we are
vulnerable to serious psychological consequences, including depression, guilt
and anxiety. This all can lead to physical illness. There are certain signs in
the last few months, weeks, days and sometimes hours of life that show when
someone is preparing to die. Recognizing what these are will help you to say
those important goodbyes, and prepare you for what is to come.
*They begin to withdraw from their surroundings;
they are beginning the process of separating from the world and those in it. They
may refuse visits from friends, neighbors, and maybe even family members. When they
do accept visitors, they may be difficult to interact with or care for. They begin
to contemplate their life and revisit old memories. ( my grandmother would come
to tell me she dreamed of her siblings and her parents who have all passed on. She
had a few dreams about them and at one point asked me if that meant she was
dying? I told her no, of course not. And quite frequently she dreamed about falling
off a cliff into black water, she asked me again if that meant she was dying. After
her second dream and I saw how disturbed she was I looked it up on the
internet and under spiritual dreams, water and cliffs represented end of life,
death. I never told her that. This happened a few months before she passed).
*They may
experience reduced appetite and weight loss. As the body begins to slow down,
it doesn’t need the energy from food that it once did, or the nourishment. The
dying person may be sleeping more now and not engaging in activities they once
enjoyed. The body does a wonderful thing during this time as altered body
chemistry produces a mild sense of euphoria. They are neither hungry nor
thirsty and are not suffering in any way by not eating. It is an expected part
of the journey they have begun. (My grandmother did start sleeping a lot more. She
used to be up when I left for work and would be up when I got home, but towards
the end she was asleep when I left and seemed to be the same way when I got
home. I would wake her up and ask her why was she sleeping so much and was she
ok? I got worried but I figured she was getting older and maybe she just needed
to rest. And although she would tell me what she craved to eat she would barely
touch her plate, and I just blamed her sleeping so much to her not eating}.
*One to two weeks
prior to death; this is the time during the journey that one begins to sleep
most of the time. Disorientation is common and altered senses of perception can
be expected. One may experience delusions, such as fearing hidden enemies or
feeling invincible. The dying person may also experience hallucinations,
sometimes seeing or speaking to people that aren’t there. Often times these are
people that have already died. Some may see this as the veil being lifted between
this life and the next. The person may pick at their sheets and clothing in
agitation. Movements and actions may seem aimless and make no sense to others. They
are moving further away from life on this earth. (Remember I told you my
grandmother dreamt of her family, what I didn’t say was she was talking to them
out loud and my niece overheard her. Later my grandma told me that her whole
family was sitting at a big table where lots of food was and they were all
smiling and telling her to come on. She said she thought it was so real).
*Physical Changes;
The body is having
a more difficult time maintaining itself, look for some of these signs:
·
Body temperature
lowers by a degree or more
·
The blood
pressure lowers.
·
The pulse
becomes irregular and may slow down or speed up.
·
There is
increased perspiration.
·
Skin color
changes as circulation becomes diminished. This is often more noticeable in the
lips and nail beds they become pale and bluish.
·
Breathing
changes occur, often becoming more rapid and labored. Congestion may also occur
causing a rattling sound and cough.
·
Speaking
decreases and eventually stops altogether.
The last few hours
or minutes the person usually becomes unresponsive and may have their eyes open
or semi-open but not seeing their surroundings. It it believed that the hearing
is the last sense to go so it is recommended that you sit and talk with your
loved ones during this time. Eventually, breathing will cease altogether and
the heart stops. They have passed on.
I hope this helps
those of you who are caring for loved ones and really this is a message for
everyone. You are not promised tomorrow, and you never know when your loved
ones walk out the door if you will ever see them again. What were the last
words you spoke to them the last time you saw them? Did you give them a kiss or
hug? Or will you have regrets if anything were to happen? You should’ve, wanted
to, almost did, does not matter when they’re gone. Take time out to spend with
your family and loved ones; don’t take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll be
there. I would love to hear from you on this topic “Saying Goodbye” please
leave a comment. –L.G.
