SAYING GOODBYE...PT 2

Saying Goodbye-pt2

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A Time to Grieve

After the loss of a loved one the feeling of helplessness may seem to consume you. Speaking for myself, I felt emotionally drained and tired for weeks after a loss. I’ve lost 5 out of 8 immediate members of my family. In 1992 I lost my baby sister at the age of 24; seven years later in 1999 I lost my brother who was the baby of the boys and who was also 14 months older than me, died at the age of 34. Four months later my Grandfather who raised me as his own, had a major stroke and was given 72 hours to live. God blessed him to escape death by being paralyzed on one side of his body but he was confined to a wheelchair. His speech was impaired and some of the time he cannot think rationally or walk. Seven years later in 2006 my biological mother died at the age of 54, followed by my middle brother age 42 in 2010, whom I adored. Finally my beloved Grandmother who raised me from birth passed away in 2013. I won’t say it was easy accepting the reality of the absences of the ones I loved, but I had a source where I could get strength from and that was the Lord Jesus Christ. You will always have memories of them and certain songs, places, and movies can trigger those moments. It was especially hard when holidays came around because my Grandmother made sure we had big family get-togethers. Losing siblings is just as hard, because they are the ones you know you can trust and go to when you need a shoulder or ear, so when that is gone who do you go to? I’ve found that in some of the most distressing times of my life I’ve turned to the scriptures and the words came alive and comforted me. I felt as if He reached down and held me and assured me that everything is going to be alright, in spite of what it looks like. Everything is going to be alright. I would like to share one scripture in particular from the book of Ecclesiastes:

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

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2 A time to be born , and a time to die ; a time to plant , and a time to pluck up that which is planted ;

3 A time to kill , and a time to heal ; a time to break down , and a time to build up ;

4 A time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance ;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together ; a time to embrace , and a time to refrain from embracing ;

6 A time to get , and a time to lose ; a time to keep , and a time to cast away ;

7 A time to rend , and a time to sew ; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak ;

8 A time to love , and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice , and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink , and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth , it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

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So there is a time and a season to grieve, but knowing also the time to heal and start to build which is what the Lord is leading me to do. I do not want to be so stuck in grieving that I miss the opportunity for happiness again. Yes, I will always miss them and a lot of times I feel alone but He told me to keep moving forward or my past will hinder me from being all that I can be. I encourage you today that when the season to heal comes, make the choice to move forward. Please share your thoughts in the comments below, I would love to hear from you, or leave a little encouragement for someone else that’s in a season of bereavement.  Thanks and God bless- L.G.

                                              

SAYING GOODBYE....PT 1

SAYING GOODBYE…

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One of the most difficult things to do is to say goodbye. Whether it’s to the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, the process nevertheless is hard. When the only woman I called my mom (my grandmother) was passing away in hospice, they had given our family some pamphlets to read and one of them was explaining how a person behaves when they are dying. Now we knew she was sick but we didn’t think she was leaving anytime soon. But according to the booklet we had she had been showing the signs of dying a couple of months before she passed and we didn’t even know it. If I had known that I only had a short time left with her I would’ve taken off work and spent more time with her. To talk or travel….something. I felt robbed and I was really upset with myself that I didn’t realize and see the signs that she was leaving me. That saying is so true, that you need to appreciate the time you have with loved ones because you never know when the last time will be. It is agonizing to watch, and care for a loved one who is slipping away, you deal with setbacks and deterioration as well as periods of “seeming” remission. It wears us down and we find ourselves wishing at times for the process to just end. Grief involves confronting family issues that may have been dormant and unresolved for years. Issues that may reemerge as you are forced to interact and work together through the grief. And finally, it means moving forward as a stronger family, after the loved one passes. If we don’t learn to understand and work with each other in learning to cope with prolonged grief, we are vulnerable to serious psychological consequences, including depression, guilt and anxiety. This all can lead to physical illness. There are certain signs in the last few months, weeks, days and sometimes hours of life that show when someone is preparing to die. Recognizing what these are will help you to say those important goodbyes, and prepare you for what is to come.

 *They begin to withdraw from their surroundings; they are beginning the process of separating from the world and those in it. They may refuse visits from friends, neighbors, and maybe even family members. When they do accept visitors, they may be difficult to interact with or care for. They begin to contemplate their life and revisit old memories. ( my grandmother would come to tell me she dreamed of her siblings and her parents who have all passed on. She had a few dreams about them and at one point asked me if that meant she was dying? I told her no, of course not. And quite frequently she dreamed about falling off a cliff into black water, she asked me again if that meant she was dying. After her second dream  and I saw how disturbed she was I looked it up on the internet and under spiritual dreams, water and cliffs represented end of life, death. I never told her that. This happened a few months before she passed).

*They may experience reduced appetite and weight loss. As the body begins to slow down, it doesn’t need the energy from food that it once did, or the nourishment. The dying person may be sleeping more now and not engaging in activities they once enjoyed. The body does a wonderful thing during this time as altered body chemistry produces a mild sense of euphoria. They are neither hungry nor thirsty and are not suffering in any way by not eating. It is an expected part of the journey they have begun. (My grandmother did start sleeping a lot more. She used to be up when I left for work and would be up when I got home, but towards the end she was asleep when I left and seemed to be the same way when I got home. I would wake her up and ask her why was she sleeping so much and was she ok? I got worried but I figured she was getting older and maybe she just needed to rest. And although she would tell me what she craved to eat she would barely touch her plate, and I just blamed her sleeping so much to her not eating}.

*One to two weeks prior to death; this is the time during the journey that one begins to sleep most of the time. Disorientation is common and altered senses of perception can be expected. One may experience delusions, such as fearing hidden enemies or feeling invincible. The dying person may also experience hallucinations, sometimes seeing or speaking to people that aren’t there. Often times these are people that have already died. Some may see this as the veil being lifted between this life and the next. The person may pick at their sheets and clothing in agitation. Movements and actions may seem aimless and make no sense to others. They are moving further away from life on this earth. (Remember I told you my grandmother dreamt of her family, what I didn’t say was she was talking to them out loud and my niece overheard her. Later my grandma told me that her whole family was sitting at a big table where lots of food was and they were all smiling and telling her to come on. She said she thought it was so real).

*Physical Changes;

The body is having a more difficult time maintaining itself, look for some of these signs:

·        Body temperature lowers by a degree or more

·        The blood pressure lowers.

·        The pulse becomes irregular and may slow down or speed up.

·        There is increased perspiration.

·        Skin color changes as circulation becomes diminished. This is often more noticeable in the lips and nail beds they become pale and bluish.

·        Breathing changes occur, often becoming more rapid and labored. Congestion may also occur causing a rattling sound and cough.

·        Speaking decreases and eventually stops altogether.

The last few hours or minutes the person usually becomes unresponsive and may have their eyes open or semi-open but not seeing their surroundings. It it believed that the hearing is the last sense to go so it is recommended that you sit and talk with your loved ones during this time. Eventually, breathing will cease altogether and the heart stops. They have passed on.

I hope this helps those of you who are caring for loved ones and really this is a message for everyone. You are not promised tomorrow, and you never know when your loved ones walk out the door if you will ever see them again. What were the last words you spoke to them the last time you saw them? Did you give them a kiss or hug? Or will you have regrets if anything were to happen? You should’ve, wanted to, almost did, does not matter when they’re gone. Take time out to spend with your family and loved ones; don’t take it for granted that tomorrow they’ll be there. I would love to hear from you on this topic “Saying Goodbye” please leave a comment. –L.G.

Broken (Loss) Part 1



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So, I’m a fanatic when it comes to understanding word meanings (definitions). I will frequently and obsessively Google a word. Even though I think I have a pretty good idea what the word means, you would be surprised with some of their meanings...all of which bring me to today’s subject: Broken.

Webster’s dictionary defines it as: Separated into parts or pieces by being hit, damaged, etc. 2. Not kept or honored. 3. Not working properly.

I do not profess to be anything other than a woman, mother and friend who has experience from the classroom of life, admittedly, the course where I graduated with honors. I’m sure many others have taken and passed that class too as we are all still attending.

Over the course of the next few posts this discussion on brokenness will continually build while providing various examples of we as humans experience brokenness from personal life-changing events.

This first post will address brokenness from its definition: Separated into parts or pieces by being hit, damaged, i.e...a broken heart. Wikipedia offers this definition of broken: A common metaphor for the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, whether through death, divorce or separation.

Often it feels as if you or I are the only ones that have ever experienced the emotional trauma of having a broken heart. However, in actuality, most everyone has had some form of a broken heart whether through loss or traumatic hurt. Who hasn’t had a broken heart?

The pain and emotional toil is almost unbearable. When you are going through the first phase of it you feel as if you will never be the same again, and happiness occurred in a past life eons ago. And it doesn’t look as if happiness will ever  happen again. As with many individuals, emotional senses are raw and are on high alert. Any little thing is a trigger, igniting a rollercoaster of emotions that are being run without a conductor nor brakes.

Although we will be discussing this matter in a future post, I believe I first experienced brokenness while going through a divorce. I thought we would grow old together. I never imagined I would divorce.

The focus with this post is experiencing brokenness through death; a friend of mine told me that, “we are at our most human existence as we bury our dead” (Kimetta Coleman). When my mentor and greatly adored grandmother, who raised me as one of her own children, passed away, there was a void and emptiness so great it felt as if I had been snapped.

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It felt like something was wrong….missing. My mind could understand what happened - but my heart would not accept it. I kept expecting her to show up. Somehow this all had to be a big mistake. She couldn’t possibly be dead - she was just gone visiting  (at least that’s what my heart kept wishing). But in reality I knew she was not coming back, yet, that didn’t stop me from looking over at the chair she always sat in. When I walked pass her room, I couldn’t help but to glance in thinking I might see her again one last time. When the phone rang and I glanced at the screen, for one split second I would think maybe her picture will be there. My heart simply could not fathom the pain that completely shattered my life for a time.

And as time goes by the “void” fades. Albeit it never quite goes away, it does not sit on the front row of your life anymore. But there was something very important I had to do as well to get through the brokenness: I asked God to give me something else - something that would fill the void. Undeniably, He allowed my creative-self to take front and center in me. This experience with death and brokenness made me realize how short life really is and before leaving this world, I wanted to accomplish something...I wanted more life than what I had been living. I wanted the “abundant life” promised to me.

I cannot tell you when or how it all happened - I just know it happened. God put the pieces of my heart back together again. Then He gave me a “second wind” that has blown me into such a beautiful fulfilling direction. I’ll never forget my grandmother because it was her life that made me want to achieve more; reach for more. That was what I unexpectedly reached for….I reached for life.

Ever had a broken heart? I’d love for you to share your experience with me.

L.G.