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Continuing our series of Abuse, we’ve seen the signs of Spousal Abuse or also known as Domestic Abuse where one person tries to dominate or control the other person.
Emotional Abuse is bigger than we think. Usually when people hear “abuse” they picture a battered woman. Not all relationships involve violence. Just because you are not physically hit doesn’t mean you are not being abused. Emotional Abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also is a form of emotional abuse. In addition , abusers of emotional or psychological abuse usually threaten physical violence or consequences if you don't do what they want. Don’t think that domestic abuse is worse than emotional abuse because one might send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of Emotional Abuse are very real and can scar you really deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as or sometimes worse than physical abuse.
Economic or Financial Abuse: a subtle form of emotional abuse.
In order to control you, abusers frequently use money to do so. Here are some of the ways he or she might use:
· Controlling your finances
· Withholding money or credit cards
· Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)
· Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
· Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
· Stealing from you or taking your money
Now let’s look at the ways or tactics an abuser uses to manipulate and show their power:
*Dominance –Abusive people need to be the boss of the relationship. They will make all the decisions for the whole family, including telling you what to do and expect you to obey without questioning. They may treat you like a child, servant or even as their possession.
*Humiliation –They will make you feel bad about yourself and leaving you with low self-esteem. If they can make you believe you are worthless and that no one else wants you, you are less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to tear down your self-esteem, leaving you powerless.
*Isolation –The abuser wants you to depend on them and only them, so in order to do this they cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You’ll find yourself asking permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
*Threats –Abusers usually use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. They may even use suicide, file false charges against you, or threaten to report you to child services.
*Intimidation –Your abuser may use different intimidation tactics designed to scare you into obeying them such as; threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is.... obey, or there will be hell to pay.
Denial and blame –Abusers are good at excusing the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims themselves. They will downplay the abuse or even deny that it happened.
Don’t be fooled! Abusers CAN control their behavior!
Abusers can pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life. Usually they save it for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They can control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They act like everything is fine in public, but lash out the instant you’re alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they can stop immediately when it’s to their advantage to do so, like when the police show up or their boss calls.
Violent abusers usually place their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in mindless rage, many violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where bruises and marks won’t show.
There is a cycle that the abusers go through, I would like to share with you what I’ve found:
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example
A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
What are your thoughts on this subject? We would love to hear from you. –L.G.
